I have gotten to a place where I knew I would be and yet... I was STILL unprepared... I am now in a DD cup size.... I knew I would be there because of my genetics.... But still.... I'm an 18 year old woman, what the hell am I doing with DD's?!!! I feel like Barbie... I'm sure people see me and think, "Oh.... look at the Bimbo, she probably doesn't know anything about anything..."
I could say worse, but I'll keep my composure.... For now. Its true though, just looking at me you would never suspect that I'm in school to become a Doctor... Though that's not set, I have backups of being a Biomedical Engineer... Because of my looks and my voice I tend to be pretentious and a know-it-all.... Which I've recently become disturbingly aware of. I honestly don't mean to be these things, and I know I'm not right all of the time, and I can happily admit when I'm wrong... but there are just times when I feel like I have to prove myself.... which everyone feels, but I think I tend to take it to the extreme... I want to be humble, but not loose my self value, or my pride. In school, I've been told by my friends that I have a really strict air about me... I'm afraid my shyness is coming off as intimidation and superiority... Which, as I'm sure I've said before, makes getting a job THAT much harder...
Another thing I've noticed, is that I'm SUPER open. Anyone can ask me just about anything and I'll answer, because I don't see the point in not answering. I mean there is the occasional question that is just too personal and then I'll give an answer like... "Sorry, I can't answer that.", "I don't know you well enough to answer that.", or my new favorite... the Japanese method, "Its very difficult for me to say."!!! But, alas, I had a point, and that is that I feel that I can really be open and expressive on my Blog, but can't on Video. On video I just seem distant and nonexistent. I'm not sure how I can be myself and still be entertaining.
I also use to many...... at the end of my sentences. Or shall I say, I use them too often? I find myself a bit annoyed when I catch myself doing this, but they have a purpose. And that is to show the flow of my thoughts, which are disturbingly scattered and most of the time incoherent... If it bothers you, sorry... there's nothing I can do.
I hate spending money, and, yet, I can't stop... It makes me feel stupid, like I can't be responsible with my money... to the point where I find myself embarrassed about spending it on stuff I actually need... like bras and a better, more school appropriate, wardrobe. I need to stop spending money on makeup and perfume... though, this I know! I have more than enough to get me into the next half decade!
Wow this was Waaaaay longer than I though it would be... sorry for the WOT!!!
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