On being Bi... Part 2

I always wonder about people... The ones that say being gay is a choice... I wish I had a choice... But I'd probably choose to be a Lesbian, but I was born this way. I can't help that I'm attracted to men...HAHAHA!!!

Anyway, being Bi is sooooo much different than being gay or straight. I like both. But I get excluded a lot more for that fact.... The Lesbian community says, "You like men???!!! That's sooo weird!" (I'm generalizing, but still.)

Straight women say, "EWWWWW! You like women! Don't hit on me!!!" (Again, generalizing... with a bit of dramatization.)

Straight men say, "Oh my god that's sooooo hot. Does this mean we can have a threesome? Can I watch... ect" OR "What?!!! Why?!!!" (Now I'm not dramatizing!)

Gay men say, "Ohhhhhh... cool." and then act afraid of me...

NOT all, but this is a taste of what I've gotten.

Lesbian's typically DO NOT like being with a Bi chick. Why? Because its hard for a bi woman to feel satisfied by just a woman or just a man. This is where the stereotype of bi's loving or wanting to have a threesome comes from. I will say that I am polyamorous, but I don't think that I'd like to have group sex. I'm not against the idea, but I'm not for it either. I've had two lesbian girlfriends. One dom, one sub. My dom girlfriend was too dom for me, as I generally tend to be dom but not butch.

As I like to say, I'm too Dom to be Lipstick, and too Lipstick to be Butch. This is what lead me to the realization that I'm a Dominatrix. I'm an utter sadistic pugilist...

Anyway... Its hard to be bi, we're always standing on a fine line... not being entirely gay, not being entirely straight. We don't exactly fit in with the Gay community, and we don't exactly fit in with the straight community. So its even harder to find our place.

I had a friend who's mother believed in Gays, but didn't believe in Bi's. And that really saddened me... That a Catholic woman could accept gays... but not accept Bisexual as an actual sexual orientation....

Having Sex with a Woman... as a woman

Not that I've ever been a man, but you get what I'm saying. If you've read my earlier blogs, you'll know that I'm Bi, but I'm not out to my parents. My mother is a bit homophobic. My first time was with my long time girlfriend, I mean we were off and on because of distance, but we had been together for about two years.

I trust her completely.

Trust is a huge issue in sex and relationships. We were together and passionately in love and just went for it. We got a hotel room. Took a bath together. We laid on the bed and started kissing and touching and exploring...

I achieved orgasm twice. After that, nothing really changed between us; she went home and I stayed in Colorado. When we're together we're together and when we're apart we're not.

Dating Vs. Going Steady

Okay so I was recently asked if dating still exists, this question was posed by a teacher btw, and I said that I still dated. No one else really knew what that meant, so here's my thoughts on the subject. I'm pretty old school, so when someone asks me out on a date I assume they mean a casual meal, not a commitment or anything else. I believe that dating two people isn't cheating, because its having a meal with someone and not taking it any further than that.

Going steady is, of course, steadily dating just one person, otherwise known as being their girlfriend/boyfriend. It seems that people these days assume that dating is going steady, and I think that people can get really confused when it comes to people like me, who still have these old fashioned ideas.

School Girls/Guys

Okay so there's been this trend going around the YouTube community about mean girls and guys. Bullying in General, pretty much. I just have to address this... These girls on youtube are beautiful, capable, young women, and they're cases are a dime a dozen and aren't even that bad... Its not like they're getting picked on everyday, its not their whole school that's against them, they have good home lives, parents that care... ect And its really pissing me off that they think they have a bad life, just because of one incident...

Okay here's My Story...
All through elementary school, through middle school, up until I changed schools at the beginning of high school. I was harassed, by my whole grade and even people in other grades...Now I wasn't Just 'picked on' I was harassed. Everyday... I hated school and the people around me. I didn't really have any friends. People would throw things at me, they would push me, trip me, kick me, ect.... They would verbally harass me... Spiritually Harass me.... and no one would do anything about it. It was literally me against my whole world... I don't use THE because it wasn't THE WHOLE World.. just my world and what surrounded me on a daily bases....

For the longest time I couldn't figure out what was WRONG with me. Why people didn't like me, no matter what I did or didn't do. Even some teachers were against me, they would urge the other kids to harass me... no joke.... I didn't trust anyone. I HATED myself... I HATED everyone... For the longest time I was lost inside myself... Lost in the darkness of my mind, lost in despair and anger and hate. That's all I saw for the longest time. My self worth, back then, was all about other people. I wanted revenge.. this is what I LIVED For...

I black out. I tend to bottle things up, my emotions I mean. If I get too angry/upset; I loose it. I loose whatever control I have over myself and the primal part of my brain takes over.... I shut down... I truly believe I could kill someone in that state... and that scares me... SO MUCH. I'm terrified of myself, of loosing control. What's worse is that I don't even remember it... what happens... ect

By the end of my 8th grade year, I had more friends, I was so desperate to get out of that situation... I was so hopeless, confused, jaded, angry.... I almost couldn't function.... I was having panic attacks almost every day. At home thankfully, but still.... I almost did at school one day... and it was my fear that stopped it... By then I knew I had to get away from those kids. I had to get out of that situation... or someone was going to die. That's how it was.

So I went to Yampah Mountain High School, which was a lot better. I loved my first year there and I found a lot of people that I like and care about... And I know without Yampah I probably wouldn't have graduated from high school... But now its going to hell, and I'm glad I'm not there. I'm glad I don't have to watch the place that saved me fall apart.