A Friend's Cry For Help

My life seem worthless!
Everyone hates me!
Unwanted,
I don't know what to do.
I cry ALL the time.
Do I need help?
Do I WANT help?
What is my life worth?
Am I worthy of love?
Can I love?
Can I be loved?
Hate,
Anger,
I feel so alone.
I feel deserted.
Can no one hear my SCREAMS?
I try to cry,
But I feel so worthless.
Does no one care?
Sometimes I can't stop the tears.
I fear.
I'm alone.
I love,
But am unloved.
I try,
So hard.
I always feel
Like I'm wearing a mask.
ALL the time!
If I show what I feel,
I will never be aloud to be alone again.
Now, I can't ever cry.
Will no one stop the pain?
My heart is breaking.
I'm helpless.
I'm so tired.
No one wants to deal with me!
I don't want to deal with me!
I'm so lost in this life!
I feel torn apart.
No one loves me,
No one can love me!
I hate my life!
I wish it would end.
I don't fear death!
Please,
Let it just end!
I don't care any more!!
What do you do
When no one cares about you?
What happens when I can't take any more?
Everyone dismisses my emotions.
"Oh, she's just a woman, she's suppose to be emotional!"
"Your just having a bad day."
"Don't take things so seriously! I was JUST joking!"
"Your just PMSing."
I hate you all!
Don't laugh when I cry!
Take me seriously!
Can't you see how much pain I have.
I don't JUST want attention!
I can't live any more!
I hate this!

Its been about a week...

I haven't posted anything in a while. I don't think I will for a while either. Schools going well, but the days are blurring into one again, so I'm taking a break. I'm tired of being tired. I'm listless, lethargic, confused. I still haven't gotten a job, which I feel down about. I'm not getting kicked out again, yet. I haven't been felling well either, my stomach hurts, I'm nauseated most of the time, I've also had a lot of mucus and soreness in my throat. Its been like this for about two weeks, I don't know whats going on. I almost had a panic attack today for no apparent reason, smoking a cigar helped. The day before I had had the worst pain I've had in weeks, I'm not on my period, nor am I ovulating, so I can't explain it. I only have one vicodine left, so I'm trying to save it. I've bought some new perfumes, they'll be here soon. I'll do a review of them when they come. Momo's doing well. I really want to take her to the vet for a check up, but can't afford to. I can't afford to go to a doctor either, so I guess we're even. I keep having boughs of aggression. All of a sudden, out of no where, I get so angry, so frustrated, I just want to beat someone!!!

School Girls/Guys

Okay so there's been this trend going around the YouTube community about mean girls and guys. Bullying in General, pretty much. I just have to address this... These girls on youtube are beautiful, capable, young women, and they're cases are a dime a dozen and aren't even that bad... Its not like they're getting picked on everyday, its not their whole school that's against them, they have good home lives, parents that care... ect And its really pissing me off that they think they have a bad life, just because of one incident...

Okay here's My Story...
All through elementary school, through middle school, up until I changed schools at the beginning of high school. I was harassed, by my whole grade and even people in other grades...Now I wasn't Just 'picked on' I was harassed. Everyday... I hated school and the people around me. I didn't really have any friends. People would throw things at me, they would push me, trip me, kick me, ect.... They would verbally harass me... Spiritually Harass me.... and no one would do anything about it. It was literally me against my whole world... I don't use THE because it wasn't THE WHOLE World.. just my world and what surrounded me on a daily bases....

For the longest time I couldn't figure out what was WRONG with me. Why people didn't like me, no matter what I did or didn't do. Even some teachers were against me, they would urge the other kids to harass me... no joke.... I didn't trust anyone. I HATED myself... I HATED everyone... For the longest time I was lost inside myself... Lost in the darkness of my mind, lost in despair and anger and hate. That's all I saw for the longest time. My self worth, back then, was all about other people. I wanted revenge.. this is what I LIVED For...

I black out. I tend to bottle things up, my emotions I mean. If I get too angry/upset; I loose it. I loose whatever control I have over myself and the primal part of my brain takes over.... I shut down... I truly believe I could kill someone in that state... and that scares me... SO MUCH. I'm terrified of myself, of loosing control. What's worse is that I don't even remember it... what happens... ect

By the end of my 8th grade year, I had more friends, I was so desperate to get out of that situation... I was so hopeless, confused, jaded, angry.... I almost couldn't function.... I was having panic attacks almost every day. At home thankfully, but still.... I almost did at school one day... and it was my fear that stopped it... By then I knew I had to get away from those kids. I had to get out of that situation... or someone was going to die. That's how it was.

So I went to Yampah Mountain High School, which was a lot better. I loved my first year there and I found a lot of people that I like and care about... And I know without Yampah I probably wouldn't have graduated from high school... But now its going to hell, and I'm glad I'm not there. I'm glad I don't have to watch the place that saved me fall apart.

Sorry

That was only part of my past... the part I've come closer to accepting... I have a lot of problems.... I understand this. I'm socially awkward, I'm insensitive, I make people feel bad, I have really cynical humor. My humor is a coping mechanism, an anodyne.... So is my anger. I push people away for a reason. For many reasons. I'm tired of pain, I'm tired of getting the one's I love hurt, I'm tired of hurting people.... I'm tired of loosing control....

I'm sorry to the people I've hurt, I'm sorry I lie, I'm sorry... I don't expect forgiveness, I just need to forgive myself....

Hikikomori

I'm starting to wonder about myself...again. I really believe if it weren't for school, I wouldn't come out of my house.... I pretty much live on my computer; on the internet. I think it started happening when I was seven. I hated school, I hated people, so I would often fake being sick for long periods of time. Just so I could be away from everything that hurt me. Then my 'illnesses' started to become real. I felt so much anxiety that I couldn't function... it was around this time that I started to have panic attacks. I was abused as a child, physically and emotionally. I was also endlessly harassed by other school children. Why? I really don't know, everything I did was wrong... the way I dressed, the way my mother had my hair cut, the way I would just keep quiet and never speak in class. I barely cared for anyone, never really had a crush until I was 12. I barely cared for myself, or what happened to me. I guess it was all those years of being called 'worthless'... or a 'stupid bitch'.... When I was around 9 I finally stood up to my mother.... now we would get into fist fights.... literal fist fights. I was young, weak, scared... but at nine years old, I finally really took a stand. My father, who is deeply clinically depressed, was pretty much non existant... though he is the one I was closest to. Though I would never call myself a 'daddy's girl', I wasn't close to anyone else.

I know hikikomori's never leave their rooms/houses, but I wouldn't if I didn't have obligations...