That was only part of my past... the part I've come closer to accepting... I have a lot of problems.... I understand this. I'm socially awkward, I'm insensitive, I make people feel bad, I have really cynical humor. My humor is a coping mechanism, an anodyne.... So is my anger. I push people away for a reason. For many reasons. I'm tired of pain, I'm tired of getting the one's I love hurt, I'm tired of hurting people.... I'm tired of loosing control....
I'm sorry to the people I've hurt, I'm sorry I lie, I'm sorry... I don't expect forgiveness, I just need to forgive myself....
I know what you mean. For me, it's the little things. I think I have a fear of rejection and a fear of getting hurt by people. That is why I don't typically extend invitations to people, and I'm pretty socially awkward, too. I just kind of blurt out whatever I'm thinking. It's like a defense mechanism-- I hurt you first so you can't hurt me, is basically what it is. Know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteYeah I know exactly what you mean! Also sorry, I just learned how to look up comments so this is super late. I think my life would be much better off if I actually took the time to read the instructions!!! ;P
ReplyDeleteIt's a really common defense, to try and hurt others to push them away before they get too close. Its a really hard phobia response to break once it's started. Thanks for sharing!