English Class...

I have a person who harassed me as a child for a classmate... I don't care though, she's just as miserable as I was, perhaps more. Since I wasn't the one who took my frustration out of others... at least not until pushed. I can see her suffering, even now, and wonder what tragic events lead her to become this way. I wonder if she recognizes me... Though I doubt it, she hasn't seen me for about six years, and has probably moved on with her bitter little life. When I say this, I don't feel contempt, only pity. It makes me feel terrible, that she will never have the laugh lines that I have. Now, more than ever, I believe that grade school is terrible for everyone.

I am worried that she might start something, but its college, so I don't think she will. I really do appreciate the experiences she, and others, gave me. Without struggling, I would be the person I am now. And I'm pretty happy with who I am. I can handle people better, I can handle anger better, I can handle criticism better than I used to, and without these experiences I would have never heard of Sophie Lancaster, I would never have wanted equality for everyone. I have felt a whole range of emotions in my lifetime; I believe this has deeply expanded my world. This has deeply enriched my human experience. In this knowledge, of my strengths and weaknesses, I feel secure.

Moving on. In class we had to do a 20 min free write on why we were there. Too short for me, but at least I mostly finished. That was all we had, since our teacher is stuck on Vale Pass. Its unfortunate, as I really wanted to get a feel for her teaching style, before its not too late to change classes.

School Girls/Guys

Okay so there's been this trend going around the YouTube community about mean girls and guys. Bullying in General, pretty much. I just have to address this... These girls on youtube are beautiful, capable, young women, and they're cases are a dime a dozen and aren't even that bad... Its not like they're getting picked on everyday, its not their whole school that's against them, they have good home lives, parents that care... ect And its really pissing me off that they think they have a bad life, just because of one incident...

Okay here's My Story...
All through elementary school, through middle school, up until I changed schools at the beginning of high school. I was harassed, by my whole grade and even people in other grades...Now I wasn't Just 'picked on' I was harassed. Everyday... I hated school and the people around me. I didn't really have any friends. People would throw things at me, they would push me, trip me, kick me, ect.... They would verbally harass me... Spiritually Harass me.... and no one would do anything about it. It was literally me against my whole world... I don't use THE because it wasn't THE WHOLE World.. just my world and what surrounded me on a daily bases....

For the longest time I couldn't figure out what was WRONG with me. Why people didn't like me, no matter what I did or didn't do. Even some teachers were against me, they would urge the other kids to harass me... no joke.... I didn't trust anyone. I HATED myself... I HATED everyone... For the longest time I was lost inside myself... Lost in the darkness of my mind, lost in despair and anger and hate. That's all I saw for the longest time. My self worth, back then, was all about other people. I wanted revenge.. this is what I LIVED For...

I black out. I tend to bottle things up, my emotions I mean. If I get too angry/upset; I loose it. I loose whatever control I have over myself and the primal part of my brain takes over.... I shut down... I truly believe I could kill someone in that state... and that scares me... SO MUCH. I'm terrified of myself, of loosing control. What's worse is that I don't even remember it... what happens... ect

By the end of my 8th grade year, I had more friends, I was so desperate to get out of that situation... I was so hopeless, confused, jaded, angry.... I almost couldn't function.... I was having panic attacks almost every day. At home thankfully, but still.... I almost did at school one day... and it was my fear that stopped it... By then I knew I had to get away from those kids. I had to get out of that situation... or someone was going to die. That's how it was.

So I went to Yampah Mountain High School, which was a lot better. I loved my first year there and I found a lot of people that I like and care about... And I know without Yampah I probably wouldn't have graduated from high school... But now its going to hell, and I'm glad I'm not there. I'm glad I don't have to watch the place that saved me fall apart.